Triggered Memories Of A Conquered Vulcan Soul
by Carinosa
Summary: Responding to an inquiring young mind brings back memories to a conquered Vulcan scientist
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: Star Trek and its wonderful characters sadly do not belong to me.

**A/N**: I have written this without the benefit of friendly Beta scrutiny and guidance so I beg your forgiveness for any and all grammatical errors. It was written with a light degree of humor and much love for these two characters that produced an adorable third.

Chapter 1 A Query That Leads

Father, why did you marry Mama? young Kan t' Ashaya, a child of love, asked as he and his father sat together in the vibrant and lush garden of their home located just north of the Golden Gate Bridge in the hills of Marin, California, USA, Earth.

Indeed, thought Spock, this question was inevitable, 'it' reminding him of his own reticent query of his father at a similar age as his child. It made him pause and smile within himself over the plentiful and crystal clear memories of a man destined to succumb to the charms of a singular woman. The images still simmered hotly…

As he considered his response he felt the heat of the sun begin to dissipate. It was early rainy season and the moderately warm sun that had shown brilliantly since mid morning had now set, surrendering to clouds that scurried across the sky looking mildly threatening in its likely quest to refresh the land.

Spock and Kan t' had wound down from an entire afternoon's engrossing discussion of the young boy's current science project on Black Energy, a phenomenon that early 21st century scientists had detected accidentally in their impatience to understand the universe. Kan t''s curiosity in the late afternoon had shifted to the two people he loved most in the world. Father and son were awaiting Nyota's return from the daylong Advanced Xenolinguistics/UT Theory Updates Seminar that was being held offsite on a tiny stretch of land known as Treasure Island not more than ten miles from Starfleet Headquarters.

The seminar was the third in a series of four that Nyota was required to attend while the Enterprise had been undergoing substantial scientific equipment enhancements over the past month. The flag ship's return home, after its twenty-two month exploratory voyage of the galactic creation point of matter in the Milky Way Galaxy, had been highly anticipated by Starfleet. Spock's lengthy report would reveal significant findings on the massive energy field surrounding the galaxy's disc complicating travel into and out of its reaches. It would remove one more barrier to the Federation's interest in the likelihood of finding intelligent lifeforms. And so, the Enterprise homecoming accomplished several ends including a chance to visit with family and friends who hadn't seen Kan t' in sometime. He would be a treat and all would marvel at his handsomeness.

Kan t' Ashaya had exceptional dark brown eyes, warm and deeply expressive much as his father's were and his paternal grandmother, Amanda's, had been. Old holophotos of both his father and uncle Bakari at his age, tall and lanky, confirmed the genes they had in common. Kan t' looked as golden as the sun and was the spitting image of his father. He was the perfect reflection of two deeply in love parents.

Since his birth, just under eight years earlier, he had been a wonder, an agreeable and clever child who was also loving and affectionate, alert and mischievous. He had already pictured the stars in his future and had demonstrated keen abilities garnering him much praise from his science instructors.

Kan t''s gifted and inquisitive mind was formidable exhibiting early on in his young life his capacity to understand and question several of the complexities of interplanetary space. His grandfather, Sarek, had once been a distinguished astrophysicist, prior to his appointment as Vulcan Ambassador to Earth, and the possibility of following in his and/or his enormously respected father's footsteps as a research scientist was certainly not outside his potential. He had also taken easily to language much as his mother had in her own childhood, he, already fluent in nine languages.

His studies for the day now completed, Kan t' turned his attentions to satisfying another unknown regarding his parents… Just the month before, Kan t' had asked them when would they be providing him with a baby brother… or sister?

"Mama, Father, why do you not provide another such as myself that I might share my activities with? Many of my fellow classmates' parents have been successful in this regard. Surely it is not a difficult project for you to undertake."

Nyota, though standing some distance from Kan t' had nevertheless, caught his query. Over her link with Spock, Nyota's reaction was immediate savoring the many lusty and steamy memories of passionate encounters that still reverberated in her mind and body. Spock's response too had been clear and unmistakable as he looked at her with devilish eyes that oozed lust. Over their link he sent her his thoughts…

"Surely it is Kan t''s bedtime is it not?" Spock asked.

Nyota laughed mischievously as she sent her thoughts to Spock of how much fun trying has always been, her eyes darkening as she held his.

It was this and Kan t' most recent question that particularly engaged Spock triggering a rush of memories of those early days and subsequent months that wreaked such havoc on his Vulcan mindset. A determination to hold firm against an avalanche of ill explained feelings that surfaced from unknown regions of his reasoning brain failed him time and again thus making their beginnings and courtship a matter of some curiosity and fascination.

He pondered how he would answer their young son.

The thought of his Nyota then and now ignited him anew the fire between them never hotter, their thirst never less. And for a split second it stole into his mind 'what if I had reacted differently to the indicators, those mental disturbances…?' But it is illogical to waste time on a loss that did not occur, how much more satisfactory instead to dwell on the final outcome and how it transpired.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Twelve Years Earlier...

Distinct and unfamiliar stirrings within had suddenly alerted me that something had decidedly changed; an unrecognizable matter of urgency and significance had asserted itself appearing without explanation that first day of the Fall semester at the academy.

I stood in my usual place fully prepared to commence my address to the new students but paused momentarily to conduct a brief examination of all my internal systems to determine the source of my unease. My attempt to uncover and correct the disturbance had met without success thus continuing my state of disquiet.

My agitation persisted that day and over the course of the rest of the week. It was as though something had attached itself to my soul quietly holding me hostage, cleverly resisting my efforts to dislodge it… The subtle disruption of my focus was a departure from all prior experiences, it affecting my duties and responsibilities in an inappropriate manner and setting. It was an exceedingly disconcerting matter as I was well practiced in the ways of my father's people in administering the discipline of control… It was entirely illogical! An error had befallen me.

Internal conflicts that varied in nature and preyed upon me during my youth in the years prior to entering Starfleet Academy had fallen to partial dormancy until now. I had begun to experience ill defined emotions that logically could not have been attributed to my usual duties and activities. Such a questionable state was to be given no leverage or bargaining ability, was intolerable and beyond bearing though in hindsight they brought to mind my mother's displays of affection and warmth. Despite having been imbued with the belief that excessive emotions would invariably lead to chaos, I paused to reflect.

A spark of interest had been my reaction to the culprit I was later to identify. It was a previously unimaginable sentiment towards another, towards her… that waylaid me. She was to become a rooted weakness, an unwavering longing… The level of peace I had long cherished was over… I was at a disadvantage and I needed to hold on tight to an imminent roller coaster ride. I would struggle with feelings that were foreign to me.

It was early into the second week of the new semester that I had at last conceded to the futility of my denial of a reality deep within me, the truth that was the cause of my affliction. Silently a pair of beckoning eyes, that held a secret, had begun to haunt me. They stole my attention, at will, rendering me defenseless to their warm and gentle language.

They gazed at me caressing my soul leaving me to wonder what they wanted of me. Their innocence sought to disarm me challenging my resolve to maintain control from their distraction. In spite of my usually successful efforts to eliminate unwanted diversion, their power quickened my heart bringing a new awareness of the beauty of the world around me.

My refusal to consider the needs of my katra was clearly the cause of my mental and physical distress, an acute reminder occurring whenever I saw her face, her very lovely face or upon hearing the sound of her voice that had already nestled in my innermost self. With ease she had rendered me sighted to no other.

Logic seemed to abandon me as I sought to master my discomfort and aggressively growing internal disorder. There had been no warning, no prior indication that there loomed upon the horizon what would come to be the fierce entrapment of my soul.

I had never known nor encountered the turbulence associated with denial and the deeply burrowed peace and passion that I would eventually know as love. Prior to then, I believed such fascination to be a notion reserved for others, not for Vulcans. Indeed, I had believed it to be impractical and unnecessary.

It was abundantly clear that there was no place for such reactions and my attraction to her, though immediate and admittedly powerful, remained inappropriate. Without my knowledge or consent the allure of her eyes proceeded to upset the balance in my life taking hold of me, growing steadily by the second, by the hour and all the days that followed.

She was insistent with those eyes, persuasive as she looked into mine. Her lips, full and inviting, were another disabling factor that added to my dilemma. It left me bewildered and perplexed. Life had not negotiated with me to take my mind!

I am Spock, I reminded myself, and my reaction to this distraction is unacceptable!

Nyota was not aware of my growing unrest, covert attentiveness and utter satisfaction in being in her presence or so I foolishly believed. After all, my discipline had long served me well in controlling any external displays of my mental state but… did she see beyond the surface? Could she gage the state of my soul?

With longer periods devoted to meditation, determined effort and proper self counsel I was marginally able to engage her in a manner suitable to our respective stations thereby remaining professional and outwardly unchanged as we interacted in our daily tasks. She, in the interim, had become my assistant and I her mentor. She challenged me at every turn exciting my world as none other had. We sparred, we agreed, we leapt together into uncharted realms of possibilities.

I found her beautiful of mind and body. She was near perfection and it transfixed me.

Moments between us warmed my being and the need to touch her ever so gently, to bask in the feel of her, to kiss her mouth deeply drew me relentlessly, distressing my spirit with the impossibility of it….

I came to know her fragrance, looked upon the softness and flow of her hair that stole my breath away.

When had I crossed over into loving her, needing her as much as the breath my body required?

Physical distance from her in the course of any given day caused an agitation that I had come to understand as an unsatisfied yearning for closeness. My nights were restless though I fought to rein in my desires. By all that was good and beautiful, why had the ancients favored me with knowing her?

Nyota, Nyota… When did I lose command of my 'self' and my 'soul'? When did logic and reasoning become inadequate and foreign to me?

In truth I had failed to note that choices were not always ours to make but more often ours to reap from it the value it had to offer.

Spock had indeed become deeply immersed in his memories reliving those moments when his struggle was at its peak…

I had come to desire her and her essence with unparalleled urgency. I had sensed that she too felt a draw, an echo that resounded over and over.

This preoccupation and longing for a place within her mind and heart was difficult to dismiss. But, I had committed myself to Vulcan traditions which bonded me to another when I had reached the "age of reason". Terrans had long ago determined this to be the age when one was capable of understanding right from wrong, necessity from want and the properness of conforming rather than engaging in unfitting choices.

Vulcan duties, responsibilities and customs, were firmly adhered to as the centuries old practices had gained Vulcans stability and secured their standing within the community of galactic society… that which was expected of us was not to be ignored or dismissed out of hand.

Nyota and I continued to move forward with matters unresolved yet moving forward only served to increase my distress over the possible loss of her.

I longed for the freedom to express my most intimate thoughts and wishes… it kept me alive with want on a road and path that could only end with her. Perhaps for the world at large it could be considered a simple matter of choosing her and all else deemed less important and secondary but for a Vulcan it was decidedly more complicated.

Within me there remained a constant struggle to maintain a balance. Ancient practices of deep and intense meditation had always centered me, an antidote for the demands of the day and of life.

I had sought to master the turmoil, the storm of love that I felt for her through complete immersion of my mind in meditation hoping to restore full control since I was hopelessly unable to eliminate the compelling emotion I felt for her. Though I continued to seek the solace meditation once offered I found that removing her from my thoughts was a logical impossibility, and the attempt to manage her in my mind brought me little peace. I struggled with logic and the frequency with which I did not have it and how it evaded my most ardent wish to curb and restrain my feelings.

I learned later the degree to which she knew me and my futile efforts to deny what she meant to me. Her willingness to endure until I exhausted my personal conflict had as its foundation unconditional love. She held on for dear life she told me much later and after we had joined together.

But prior to then her interaction with others, particularly male others, confounded me. My breathing became restricted and shallow. I at first could not immediately account for this but subsequently came to see clearly that it was my desire to be as free as they in soliciting and engaging her in conversation outside of structured time.

Several months had gone by when one night I had found her weeping quietly in the shadows of the long deserted linguistics lab. My concern led me to her side immediately. When I knelt down before her I could barely contain my desire to envelop her, to shield her from a pain she obviously bore.

Her sobs subsided as she felt my nearness. She touched my face and drew me to her. Everything in the universe stilled as the love between us was finally embraced and made whole.

I kissed her deeply and she dissolved into me, her lips as soft as I had imagined. My lips caressed her cheek and I whispered her name… Nyota… I had finally come to accept that which held us both. It was love powerful and immeasurable that had persuaded and released me, lifting me from the depths of intolerable denial.

We spoke quietly for a while acknowledging the dream that, in truth, had finally been realized. She held on to me… Her lips had become mine and I would have them…

Instinctively we both realized that our futures would now become something more and the pleasure, an emotion among many that I embraced, in knowing that nothing would ever be as it was before filled me.

Non sum qualis eramus… "We are not as we used to be."

Only a few seconds had passed since Kan t' had made his query but Spock's mind in the course of it had effortlessly remembered every detail that conceived the present.

Spock had remembered his own past and how his father, Sarek, had erred in purposely concealing his feelings of love for his mother after a similar query. Looking at his much loved child, Spock knew instantly what his response would be.

"I married your mother because I loved her…"

The expression on Kan t' Ashaya's face spoke volumes telling Spock that his answer had been everything his child had hoped to hear. His father's words and the feeling it gave him pleased him beyond his ability to describe.

"Father, I am most happy that you found Mama because if you had not I would have missed the chance to enjoy her wonderful chocolate chip cookies. And I know how much you love them too because you hug Mama **'a lot'** after you have eaten some."

"Yes, Spock said, perhaps she will bake some for us tonight."

**Please review and comment…** It is the only way I can measure the quality and appeal of my work and whether or not I have succeeded in entertaining you. You will make a difference.


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